i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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