I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
