I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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