I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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