I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
