I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
How naked do you want me to be?
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