either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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