smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
