My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
