my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
