I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
