My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
