I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
