Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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