She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
