Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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