my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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