First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
