Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
