my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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