Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
