i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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