I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
