Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Swine flu is the new snow day.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My dick has a subreddit
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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