seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
