gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
