Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
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I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.