I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.