WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".