i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
