I puked a lego.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
