i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
