I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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