Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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