The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
