Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
