areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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