watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
