You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
