Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
