My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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