Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
