I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
