No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
