fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
