I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
