His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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