That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
