I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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