he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was a blind-side dick pic.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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