Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
