my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
