he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
