My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
