she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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