Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
