How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So vagazzling was a success
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
